Welcome to The Seven Skills of Pleasure

 Most of the people I encounter misunderstand pleasure. It seems that they regard pleasure generally as something sexual or at least as something to do with the body only.  It is viewed as something that is both desirable and good in moderation but also as something that is dangerous, potentially leading to addictions or emotional and/or ethical problems. It is pictured as a thing, either you have it or you don’t. It is primarily associated with excitement and is often confused with pain relief or even numbing out. People who seek lots of pleasure are often put down as “hedonists”, using the term to refer to the obsessive pursuit of pleasure at the expense of other ”more important” things.

While we can say that pleasure is the physical response to certain hormones and neurotransmitters, we can also say that it is an experience of some life quality like joy or happiness. We can also talk about it in terms of that which gives meaning to life (or prevents us from seeing the “true” meaning of life, depending on how you look at it.) It is a little like the proverbial blind men feeling an elephant for the first time, each having a very different experience based on the body part he has touched and pronouncing his experience as the true nature of an elephant. We can look at pleasure from outside ourselves and compare what we see with our observations of others experiencing pleasure. We can compare our inner, subjective experiences with the reports of others. But ultimately, in spite of all of the observed and reported similarities we each have our own unique experience of feeling good. It is our own self that opens to life and no one else’s.

When we open to life we willingly, usually enthusiastically, engage with whatever is present. We generally feel alert and both calm and mildly excited at the same time. It is not the same thing as the euphoria or high that comes from success or exertion. It is the feeling of joy without fear or tension. We generally open up when someone we love walks into the room. And we usually shut down some when we are pulled over by a policeman. We naturally open and close ourselves to some degree each day. The awareness of pleasure tends to reduce fear and open us up a little more.

Pleasure has more qualities than the physical ones alone. Feeling good is emotional as well. And there is often a sense of nurturing something more than the body, usually experienced as a deeper, transcendent part of ourselves. When we are experiencing pleasure our bodies are naturally more willing to pay attention to more of the information coming into our senses. This feels like being more alive. Colors seem brighter, tastes more vibrant and small sensations like a breeze feel exquisite. Unless we override it with thoughts to the contrary, pleasure gives us a sense of wellbeing that we sense not just in the body but also throughout our entire being.

I think it is useful to look at the pleasures of our being in terms of how do we notice them primarily, what are we most aware of as we experience them. I want to be very careful not to suggest that we all experience pleasures in the same way. I doubt that we do. However, there are enough similarities to our experience that some generalizations are appropriate.

Tension and release

Stephen is outside having fun playing catch with his friends. Rachel is sitting on the sidelines watching the boys and eating an ice cream cone and talking with her girl friends. Howard looks out his window at the kids as he takes a moment’s break from his project of redesigning his kitchen and smiles. Monica is cheerfully ignoring them all in her quiet space as she meditates. All four members of this family are enjoying themselves; they are experiencing pleasure. Yet each is doing something very different. What is it that is common to their experiences such that we can say each is feeling pleasure?

One key element to pleasure is that it is about tension and release - the greater the tension, the greater the release and thus the greater the pleasure. Stephen repeatedly tenses to catch the ball and releases that tension when he does so. He then tenses as he throws the ball and relaxes as the other boy catches it. Rachel tenses slightly as she desires and anticipates the next bite of ice cream. She relaxes when she senses that creamy sweetness in her mouth. She tenses with excitement as she and her friends talk about their other friends and releases that tension in giggles and laughter. Howard tenses when he encounters a problem in his design and relaxes when he solves it. He tenses when he thinks about the children’s safety and relaxes when he sees that they are okay. Monica is simply becoming aware of tensions that have accumulated over the years and is relaxing them one by one.

Scary things like horror movies and roller coasters build high tension intentionally so that there will be a great release at some point. But without that release of tension they would be very unpleasant experiences indeed. Tension without release is painful. Orgasm is the classic example of this. The tension builds and builds until there is finally a huge release that is exquisitely delightful. Without that release there is a great sense of discomfort. Danger, for instance, can add pleasure to an erotic situation by increasing the tension. But that only works when there is a point when that danger disappears and everyone can relax.

Other examples of the tension-release model of pleasure might not be so obvious. For example, the polarity between the masculine and feminine is a tension that becomes pleasurable when the two relax that polarity and meld together. Our bladders fill up slowly and at some point the tension becomes noticeable before we let go and enjoy the release. Excitement is tension that gets released. Fear is tension that doesn’t. We get a pleasurable sense of wellbeing when we can relax about our safety but when we continually fear for our safety, the tension builds and builds.

Contrasts

Pleasure can also be seen as largely a function of contrasts. A lot of one kind of food either at one time or in succession quickly loses its pleasurable qualities whereas a buffet with lots of different offerings can be delightful. Music works best with contrasts of melody and harmony, softness and loudness, and varying rhythms. Paintings also rely on the contrast of colors and textures. Sensual touch only feels good if the giver moves around and gives a variety of sensations. Games are only fun if sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Too much of one or the other becomes boring and unpleasant.

So pleasure is about change. It is never static. It is constantly evolving. A lover’s kiss may be very enjoyable while the experience of what their hands are doing may not be. In the next moment the opposite may happen, the hands may be doing something incredible and the kiss become an unpleasant distraction. The intensity of pleasure goes up and down, as a natural part of tension and release, and as a function of our attention. By focusing on the pleasure we feel in our heart for someone we’re with and then moving our attention to something that they are doing we change the experience of the pleasure. At some point we may give up conscious control over our attention and go into trance and that, too, will likely continue to go up and down, in and out.

Pleasurable touch, tastes, smells, sounds, sights and movement are naturally the joys of the senses. Communing with friends and family is often a great pleasure that we might say is primarily a pleasure of the heart, or an emotional pleasure. This kind of pleasure has a physical component as we relax and have a physical sense of wellbeing. When we solve a perplexing puzzle or complete a challenging task we feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. This I would call a mental pleasure and it, too, has a physical component of physical wellbeing. It often has an emotional component as well – that of feeling good about oneself, self-love. Feeling a connection with nature, the universe, or divinity I would call a spiritual pleasure. And here again we experience pleasure in the body, in our emotions and in our mental life as well when we are enjoying spiritual pleasures.

This is not to say that there is an inherent hierarchy of pleasures. Gustatory pleasures, eating foods that take us into other realms of experience, clearly have a spiritual component. The physical experience of orgasm can have emotional as well as spiritual components. Some who work primarily in mental realms can experience orgasm from mental excitement. Thus, this delineation into physical, emotional, mental and spiritual pleasures is only an arbitrary classification that is valid only to the degree that it is useful. However, it can be extremely useful to be able to look at the various pleasures available and to make discerning choices based on our total pleasure and wellbeing, not just that which is in our immediate view. 

Here is a set of principles, not laws or "truths," but ideas that can help us frame our relationship to pleasure. They are intended to be working assumptions that we can use or reject as we like, but which are intended to expand our awareness of ourselves and how we go about finding our joy.

The First Principle of Pleasure is that pleasure is only experienced in the present moment.

The Second Principle of Pleasure is that we can choose how we feel.

The Third Principle of Pleasure is that pleasure shows us when we are aligned with our core being.

I think all of us have experienced something wonderful beyond both our bodies and our conscious mind. It is a delicious experience, something that seems to transcend everything else in our lives. We can describe it in terms like joy, bliss, and deep love. We can give it names like God, the Buddha-within, Shiva, All-that-is, our High-Self, or connecting to our ancestors. But, however we describe it or however we name it, it is still primarily an experience, an experience that feels very, very good.

It is this experience that shows us the connection between pleasure and our deeper parts. These deeper parts are where we find our power, our wisdom, our meaning, even our health. So, by being aware of our level of pleasure, we are also noting our level of connectedness to our deeper parts.

It’s fairly easy to notice that when we are feeling pretty rotten, either physically or emotionally, we are also feeling pretty disconnected from our deeper parts. The world seems to close in and our inner focus gets narrow. We don’t see much beyond a very restricted view of the world. Nothing much matters except that we find a way to start feeling better.

And when we do start to feel better, we start to love again and then we can let into our awareness the concerns of other people. We feel better not just physically or emotionally, but also about ourselves. Feeling good about ourselves is the experience of being connected to our deeper parts. This is such a valuable understanding that I recommend going inside and investigating this for yourself. For when we can make the connection for ourselves between pleasure and our core being (or whatever we have chosen to call it), then we have the basis for our own inner guidance system. If we choose to be happy human beings, then we need to have some way of measuring our happiness. Not objectively, since happiness is not an objective reality, it is a state of being that is entirely subjective. But by being aware of how we feel, we can learn to feel better more consistently.